Friday, April 08, 2005

Secret Memo Revealed

The Moose Intelligence Service (MIS) has discovered a secret strategery memorandum from a White House Official to a GOP operative.

TO: Wormwood
FR: K.R.

Who will rid me of this meddlesome Majority Leader?

This is to notify you, dear servant, of your new mission. The Bug Man has become a pest and he must be removed from his position. Although he has been a devoted leader of our effort to consolidate plutocratic power, he has now become an expensive liability. Just as you artfully engineered the exit of Old Trent, your effective dark arts must be employed again.

This task will not be as easy as the removal of the Ole Miss Yell Leader. I acknowledge that this may be a mission impossible . T.D. is a tenacious fellow. Unlike your previous target, this Republican leader has forged strong ties with both our allies on K Street and in the pews. As you are aware, the problem that is embodied in T.D. is not limited to him. We have all been guilty of overreach as the Schiavo fiasco revealed.

And some of us have become intoxicated with our own brilliance. I must admit that I have perhaps been smitten by hubris concerning my expectations for our efforts to privatize social security. Apparently, the American people are far more fond of the program than the propeller heads at Heritage and Cato. I am considering an exit strategy.

But, back to the matter at hand. The imperative to remove the Bug Man from his high office is underscored by the burgeoning Abramoff gaming scandal. T. D. is only the most visible face on a scandal that extends to my very doorstep. The Abramoff web has not entangled just T.D., but its reach has involved such dear friends as righteous Ralph and the Senator from Montana who must face the voters next year. Other House members may also be touched by the scandal.

We must not just remove our exterminator problem, but replace him with a Frist-like friendly face to promote our corporate crony schemes. The problem with T.D. is not that he is defied us, but rather he has been recklessly transparent as he has zealously pursued our objectives. He should have followed the advice of my artful comrade Righteous Ralph who once lovingly put it, "I paint my face and travel at night. You don't know it's over until you're in a body bag."

Wormwood, our efforts to eliminate this problem will be aided by an unlikely source - the left. They are clamoring to remove him from office so our task will be made easier. And we must build resentment in the right by suggesting that this is just a Soros inspired left-wing conspiracy. Meanwhile, my invisible hand will be doing its work.

I have already taken steps to leak damaging information to the papers about T.D. You must engineer the blind quotes from GOP sources to undermine T.D. I will handle reassuring our allies that their interests will not suffer with their friend's removal. I am toying with the idea of replacing Rehnquist with Scalia - that will warm the cockles of their beating hearts!

I close, dear Wormwood, with my usual admonition - "Leave no fingerprints behind."
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