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Friday, August 05, 2005

Novak Turns Into Monster, Turns To Monster.Com

The Mooselings feel bad for Robert Novak.

They suggest he take a long look in the mirror and consider a career change, for, clearly, his role as a pundit no longer seems to suit him.

Novak's been having a rough time as of late. The whole Plame affair just won't go away, he seriously flubbed that prediction on Rehnquist's supposedly imminent retirement, and now, for the time being at least, he's lost his gig at CNN. The AP reports that the network gave him an indefinite timeout yesterday when he said something indecent on live television when chided by Carville -- ''Well, I think that's bulls--t and I hate that,'' Novak replied. ''Just let it go'' -- then stormed off the set.

With more time to himself in the days ahead, Novak ought to reflect on what strange circumstances have brought him to this low point. As youngish Democrats in Washington, the Mooselings are no strangers to such analysis, confusion, or, for that matter, bulls--t. As such, they are also familiar with the process of a sudden job search. And they know if Novak concludes, as they have, that being an obnoxious fool on TV is no longer a viable career option, he's going to have to quickly find some new employment.

Fortunately, for him, the Mooselings have already found Novak a few leads. Let's seeā€¦

He could manage the Baltimore Orioles: less bulls--t, more birds--t. Yesterday the team fired their manager Lee Mazilli. As the Washington Post writes:

"Where the Orioles are right now is in fourth place, 10 1/2 games behind the first-place Boston Red Sox. The Orioles' 4-1 win over the Los Angeles Angels on Thursday snapped a brutal eight-game losing streak. Having once enjoyed 62 consecutive days in first place in the American League East, now the Orioles are as close to last place as they are to first."

The Mooselings think that trying to turn the struggling team around might not only give Novak some new purpose, but also make George Will jealous. Moreover, a little more time spent in any place called the "Charm City" might do wonders for his manners.

He could consider becoming the new President at the University of Colorado. On Wednesday, officials started their search for "a visionary leader with substance and integrity."

The Denver Post reports:

"Regent Jerry Rutledge said CU has seen the stress a "lack of leadership" causes.

"We've seen in the last weeks what a calming effect a strong leader has," he said.

Regents said they want a president with an academic background but would consider candidates who are leaders in the private or corporate sector. They also want someone who will stick around for a while.

"We've had a number of presidents at this university in the past 10 years," Regent Pat Hayes said. "We need somebody who's going to settle us down. It's more difficult to do this than find a spouse."

The Mooselings aren't so sure that Novak would be an especially calming presence for everyone up there in Boulder. But at the least those who are concerned that previous school administrators kept quiet while awful abuse and assaults continued last year, know that he can't keep his trap shut. That's one way to foster transparency -- bring in only shameless self-promoters.

And finally, Novak should consider taking on, what might be the greatest job ever. He could become a Catskill Tummler. As the New York Times reports, that's one name for those who practice a particular dying art localized at the once-great summer resorts of the New York Catskills. They were largely Jewish comedians performing for largely Jewish audiences, the "in-house jesters whose sole job is to keep hotel guests amused before, during and after the all-you-can eat meals."

Maybe Novak will run into one of the Mooseling's Great Aunt Shirley while he's up there. She hates bulls--t too.

"During the apex of Catskill culture in the 1940's, 50's and 60's, as many as 100 hotels employed tummlers, who would work in exchange for room and board and a modest salary. Part resident comic, part activities director, part hotel cheerleader, the tummler - derived from the Yiddish word for noisemaker - was expected to field guest complaints, organize talent shows, jump into the pool fully clothed or dash screaming through the lobby pursued by a knife-wielding chef."

The Mooselings think that above all, Novak needs to chill out and lighten up. A trip to the Catskills might just do the trick.

-- The Mooselings
-- Posted at 12:39 PM | Link to this post | Email this post