Monday, November 29, 2004

The Doctor is In

Doctor Moose administers emergency therapy to a patient in distress.

The Moose is not a psychiatric professional but he does hold an advanced degree in social work and he possesses a Ph.D in Street Psychology. Consequently, he spends part of his weekends assisting in a Crisis Counseling Center for the Distressed Donkeys (CCCDD) in Takoma Park, Maryland. Dr. Moose thought he'd share his notes on a counseling session he conducted yesterday.

The patient, Mr. D. entered the CCCDD in evident distress with symptoms of Manic Depression, Paranoia, self-esteem issues and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which strikes this type of patient in even numbered years. The patient explained that the onset of this episode was brought on by reading this article in the Sunday Washington Post, titled, Was Nov. 2 Realignment -- Or a Tilt? This passage particularly disturbed Mr. D. -

As some partisan operatives and political scientists see it, Bush's reelection victory and simultaneous Republican gains in the House and Senate suggest that an era of divided government and approximate parity between the major parties is giving way to an era of GOP dominance. By this light, the Republican advantage on the most important issues of the day -- the fight against terrorism, most of all -- and the party's uncontested control of the federal government leave it in a position to win long-term loyalty among key voter blocs and craft an enduring majority.

If so, 2004 would qualify as what academics call a "realignment election."

As I read the passage aloud, the patient was suddenly struck by signs of acute paranoia as he muttered repeatedly the words "Diebold machines, Diebold machines." He then fell into a deep gloom and broke down in tears moaning that he was deeply inferior to his adversary, Mr. G.O.P.

All of that depressed behavior was followed by a explosion of ebullience proclaiming that he only fell short by three percentage points and commenced quoting passages from the text "The Emerging Democratic Majority" by the noted political therapists Doctors Teixeira and Judis. The patient then emitted a piercing scream while listing a series of states where he would spread his message. Dr. Moose adds parenthetically that he consulted with another patient from Vermont who exhibited this same behavior earlier in the year.

Clearly, Dr. Moose was confronted with a patient suffering from Acute Elephantitis Realingnmentus (AER). That diagnosis was confirmed upon consultation with the DNC's own Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , Fourth Edition(DNC-DSM-IV).

Dr. Moose then realized that the treatment would involve a Deep Modeling Therapy (DMT) that has been utilized on occasion by the Freudian School of New Democratic Counseling in Vienna, Virginia. The patient was then hypnotized into a deep trance by reading this important passage in the Post piece,

"I'm not seeing that enduring majority," said Lawrence R. Jacobs, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota's Hubert H. Humphrey Institute of Public Affairs. "The Republicans have won a series of close elections, but independents are not with them. I just don't see how you can have a realignment if you have swing voters turning against you."

Once the trance was achieved in the patient, Dr. Moose commenced the therapy. Dr. Moose directed the patient to model his political behavior after a previous patient, Mr. C. (waving confidentiality rules for purposed of illustration, Mr. C. is a Mr. William Jefferson Clinton). Dr. Moose explained to Mr. D that in the late eighties Mr. G.O.P. was thought to have a lock on the White House. But, Mr. C. picked that lock by running as a "different kind of donkey." However, after the 92 election Mr. C. was struck by Lurching to the Left Syndrome (LLS) and suffered a relapse. That relapse was overcome by Mr. G.O.P.'s overreach and Mr. C's connecting with his inner centrist. By the 1998 election, Mr. C. was centered and Mr. G.O.P. was in distress.

As I ended the trance, I reminded the patient that it was his task to connect with his inner progressive centrist. This therapy was quite successful for a patient who ran for the U.S. Senate in Colorado. Mr.D. will have many enablers in a support group comprising of fellow Democrats, independents and even some Recovering Republicans (RRs). These Democratic Anonymous (DA) meetings are regularly held both in urban areas and in the inner suburbs in various Blue - Emotionally Distressed (ED) - States.

The patient awoke talking eager to bolster his national security credentials, attend church more often and also reconnect with his relatives in the exurbs .

Dr. Moose concludes these notes by observing that nothing gives him more satisfaction than a patient back on the road to recovery. Dr. Moose is there for you - only a email away on the Contact the Moose button!

Always remember - stay in touch with your inner progressive centrist!
-- Posted at 8:33 AM | Link to this post | Email this post