Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Bugman Diaries

The Moose Intelligence Service retrieves a diary entry from a former high Republican official.

Dear Diary,

The ingratitude of it all! I help them maintain their majority. I hooked them up with donors and corporate flights home. I fed them. I cared for them. I promoted their wacky causes. I carried the POTUS' water.

And now, I am eliminated like a cockroach in an infested kitchen!

Woe is me. I guess it's true - If you want a friend in Washington, get an Abramoff... I mean a dog.

They think they're better than me, but I know better. If I am "corrupt", what do my "esteemed colleagues" think they are? My fellow Republicans were hardly ethical virgins enrolled in a congressional "Just Say No" abstinence program.

When I introduced Casino Jack to them, they liked his money as much as I. It's not as if they were strangers to the Abramoff sky box perk bordello. And more importantly, they adored my construction of the K Street apparatus which filled their coffers with corporate largesse.

And now, these Judasas have the chutzpah (I learned that term from the Jackster during one of our Scottish golfing junkets) to claim they are better than me! Perhaps, I shall have a few background chats with reporters to take the bloom off their rose. Blunt and Boehner are no different in substance than me. Brother Trent Lott is my role model. After I stealthily tell the scribblers of the intrigues of my colleagues, they will not be smelling to good!

And what of the righteous right? They clearly leave their wounded on the battlefield. In my despair, I did a Google search for "Delay, conservative tribute" and came up with this from the May 12th Christian Science Monitor,

"Sponsors of Thursday night's tribute say DeLay is the most effective GOP legislator in Congress, and they can't afford to lose him. "The reason why conservatives are sticking with DeLay is that he has always been for them on issues," says Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform, a sponsor.

"Other sponsors include David Keene of the American Conservative Union (ACU), Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, Ed Feulner of the Heritage Foundation, Paul Weyrich of the Free Congress Foundation, Gary Bauer of American Values, and Emmett Tyrrell, Jr., of the American Spectator - key contacts for conservatives aspiring to higher office."

Where are these foxhole friends in my moment of need?

The one betrayer I understand is Newt. I suppose revenge truly is a dish best served cold. I did him in and now he is returning the favor. Alas, we now have the phenomena of the "new Newts", young Members who are emulating the ways of the Newster in order to sweep out the old guard.

The one consolation that I now enjoy as the result of my travails is that I get to return to my true legislative love - appropriating. As a Member of the Appropriations Committee , I am able to once again earmark and pork barrel - the sensuous indulgence of a big government conservative.

Dear diary, I am far from vanquished. If I can escape the prosecutor's persecution, I shall be back. Sugar Land is not my Waterloo, it is my Elba.

But, just in case, I am getting up to speed on renewing my exterminator's license. As we say in the business - Away with all pests!
-- Posted at 8:31 AM | Link to this post | Email this post